Raise Your Glass Up To a New Year


When you learn to forgive yourself; it is then that you learn to live and love again. The time we’ve spent placing blame upon ourselves has created this heavy cloud upon our heart. We must learn that life is a journey and an experience that helps us learn and grow to who we are to become. We must learn to stop blaming others. Life is only what you make of it. You are equally responsible for the events that happen when you have the ability to change the things you can. Those that we cannot change; we ask for help to accept what we can’t. I have heard plenty of stories, watched others pick up pieces of shattered hearts and watched others blame themselves and search for love.

This year has been full of experience for me. It has come and gone faster than the break of dawn. I’ve ached and blamed myself for things not working out how I wanted them to. Questioning my own judgement, worrying about what might happen next, fearing the next painstaking moment, crying over another who didn’t have my best interest, putting myself down as a mother. … I have had many mistakes of my own. I have kept them locked so deep inside; the painful memories that I hide.

I’ve felt pain and hunger. Lost love and wonder. I’ve been beat into the ground; left shattered and lost. I’ve felt fear and anxiety.I’ve cried and screamed. Felt lonely and alone. Left only to learn to stand again. To breathe again. To think again. To believe again. To love again.

I have felt comfort. I’ve felt love and laughter.  I have learned to dream again. Through this long  journey of 2010– I have learned who I am. I still struggle every day in ways of communicating my past experience to rid myself of the terror.

I’ve been blessed with series of unfortunate events; that I do not frown upon. There were times I felt I could no longer go on. Exhausted by mind and constant running. Struggling every day to make ends meet. To be there for my daughter. I have challenged myself to extreme limits. I have pressed on harder in times of doubt from others. I have learned to block the unnecessary jabs to ones hopes and dreams. I have craved organization, more determination, more dreams. I’ve grown as an artist; a mother; a daughter and friend.

This year has left me feeling accomplished in many aspects. I have reached innumerable goals. I have tried and failed; but I did not fail to try.

I will never apologize for who I am. I would rather be loved for who I am; than who I am not.

This past year I have met many amazing people who have made a very large impact on my heart. Others who have helped me hold myself together when I felt like crumbling.

I have developed a very deep understanding of life, family, love, friends, and God.

I have came a long way from where I was a year ago. And I have learned so many things. I have felt so many emotions. I have developed who I am. Recognized my true passions and desires.

2010 is coming to an end dear friends; and I want to know what you will take with you. What you will leave behind. And which goals you will set for yourself this new year. Whatever it is you find along your journey always keep these things in mind:

Love as if you have never loved before. Forgive yourself and you will forgive others. You will learn to live and love again when you have found internal peace. When you feel like crumbling; keep going anyways. Try and maybe fail; but do not fail to try. We have one shot at life. This is not our dress rehearsal. Live each day as if it were your last. Be mindful of others but do not accept anything less that will cause hurt to you. Learn that sometimes you must let go; even though it hurts. P.U.S.H.- Pray until something happens. When you feel like giving up; keep faith because God will carry you on. Do things that scare you. Show the ones you love how much you love them because you never know if it will be the last chance you get with them. Listen to your heart; and you will find your calling. Be no one; other than yourself.

2011 will be my last year of school for my BFA and it will have taken me 10 years to obtain it. It is never too late. It took me 8 years to do what I really enjoy in life. I have never been so blessed. The moment I started listening to what God had set for me to do– things started falling into place. I have still faced a lot of hardships; but frown upon none. They have helped me learn and grow as a person. I have learned and felt so much this year that I have no idea how to put it into words.

With this year coming to an end; I just want to say thank you to all of you have crossed my path in life. Those who have continued with me in life; thank you. Thank you to my AMAZING family, friends and professors. The ones who have pushed me to keep on going when I felt I could no longer.

I have experienced one of the busiest years of my life. I have completed like 2 years of life in 1 year. This year I set myself a few resolutions.

  1. Pray more. Love more. Smile more. Learn more.
  2. Dedicate time to myself to settle my mind, body, and soul.
  3. Learn to relax and teach myself it is OK to do so once in a while.
  4. Touch others hearts. Inspire others.
  5. Create my Senior Show with a goal of ridding my heart and mind of pain.
  6. De-clutter my life.
  7. Become organized.

I may have a few more that I cannot think of at the moment. However, I just want to wish you all a safe, happy and healthy New Year. I am taking all I have learned in to 2011 and leaving all the painful things behind but will always keep them in mind.

Here’s to the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011! The best is yet to come. Welcome to the first day of your life, the first page of a new chapter for all.

Love and Peace.

Shanna Mae

 

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The only things constant in life; is Change.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!!! Also a very Happy Birthday Jesus! What a great Christmas holiday with all of my family. It was wonderful to be able to spend time creating more memories with all of my family. I got to see a lot of family this weekend.

I’ve been blessed with amazing family and friends. Regardless of being sick; I have made the most of every moment I was given. I have also been doing a lot of reflecting on life over the weekend and preparing for an art show at Bad Cat. I have a lot going on in my mind right now and my focus isn’t doing much for me at the moment. I have been working through out the holiday as well. I just find myself more frustrated than anything.

So many things to do. So many things to figure out about life. So many things going on. I question myself as to when I will stop doing this to myself. I seem to find myself doing a lot of things and then the chances I have to really take a break and focus on my own things; on my own time with out being rushed or pressing time–I seem to forget the opportunity for a real “break” from the outside world. I think I have been running myself for too long that I have neglected my own health and I have worn myself out more than I have known until now.

I function way better under pressure and when I have a lot to do (ie; juggling school, work, child, business). I don’t quite understand. Maybe because my brain doesn’t have time to wonder, rather than to keep going and move on the the next goal.

Every year at this time; I like to reflect on the past year to revisit the various things I have had the chance to experience, lessons learned, the good, the bad, happy and sad, etc. This past year was very eventful. Some things I hold locked within my heart; and probably will never be shared.

The year 2010 created many memories. It had its share of pain and sorrow. An over worked mind and body. A beaten down into the ground body and mind. A shattered soul. A teathered heart. A journey down a road less traveled. One full of excitement and fear for unknown. Don’t get me wrong; there was also many moments of laughter and joy and an abundance of memories created! This year taught me a lot of things. It has shown me things and helped me grow. For everything and part of 2010; I am thankful and blessed to have had the chance to experience.

I have had a difficult time lately. Sorting thoughts. Feeling complete; in a sense. Life has been crazy. For everyone.  And alls I can say is; Thank you Lord, for all of the friends and family you’ve blessed me with because I am not so sure I would have been able to get to this point if I did not have them and if it weren’t for you. Happy Birthday!

I really need to get some sleep now. I have much more to post and probably need to start writing things on paper so I can stop forgetting them as soon as I sit down to write a post. Anyways; tonight’s post was mainly to wish all of my dear friendships a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I am off to sleepy time land.

Good night.

Love & Peace.
Shanna Mae