Life. Or something like it.

Tonight, I wander here and there. Pacing back and forth. Fighting the urge to light up a cigarette. Sickened to my stomach and feeling a tad lost in thoughts and feelings. These are the things I like to avoid; feelings. Yet I am so full of feelings and emotions. To explain to someone what you mean with out coming off as “pushy” but just to ask for a little more communication to feel as if they care just a little bit. Never would I have thought things would be this way. But I am full of those moments in life that blind side you on some afternoon. I try to tell myself it will only sting for a little bit and it will go away eventually. But how many moments in life can one have like that. To feel a sense of belonging to someone or somewhere.To feel that sense of caring or maybe even comforting of another.

When I encounter moments like this I have this flash of being pushed or stabbed as I try and bounce back all in slow motion. This feeling, the one that you just swallow and smile anyways. Because it feels easier that way. But really it just hurts more. I would be really concerned if I didn’t know how to feel as I am when I meet others or cross paths with others who have no sense of feelings in the world and can be just plain cruel and rude with no consideration for any one else.

I still stand by the unknown truths of love and what it really is. Does anyone really know? Other than the unconditional love for your family and those friends you would do anything for?

Things have been nothing less of a chaotic roller coaster and to try and survive that roller coaster with out tossing your cookies kind of seems to be getting a little more difficult. At least today feels this way and then tomorrow I will feel like the strongest person I know. Holding my head high, letting nothing discourage me, or taint my view of a happy little hippie life of laughter and love. I need not to be worrying about these small things. I need to worry about the upcoming academic school year and then where the wind will take my sails after I have finished.

I have learned my lesson this past year of what an obsession with being busy does to your body and your over all health and I can darn well guarantee that I do not want to experience anything like that again. I still have not fully recovered. However, as always I will be just fine.

If it weren’t for my lovely munchkin or my amazing family or my faith; I am not so sure where I would be. I may have already checked myself in for peace of mind. My family has given me undying support and love. They have encouraged me and shown me right from wrong. They along with my munchkin and my faith have given me strength to continue on and pursue large crazy goals and be determined enough to achieve them. I should not forget the few friends who have also done the same and I thank those who warned me and attempted to discourage me from those crazy goals I had for myself because it was a large part of what kept me determined. If I am told I cannot do something; I will do it just to prove I am capable.

I have lost my writing skills. Those words that seem like music or paint a picture right before your eyes. Those ones that reach deep into the back part of your brain and dig up all of those little thoughts you forgot you had until you stopped to admire your surroundings. I miss writing and have been slacking on this blog I started. There may be a few reasons for all of that. It could be the million thoughts that are running rampant in this mind of mine or it could be the feeling of bearing too much. It could also be the fact that I still haven’t remembered or learned how to slow down yet and I do not allow myself time for me enough. It seems that the more artistic I have allowed myself to become I have lost all words. I am not sure I am ok with this. There has to be a happy medium. Usually going back over old posts or writings helps sort through words and make sense of a lot of things that run through my mind. However, when I went back to review my blog posts on my myspace profile; they were gone. I was quite upset. Myspace deleted them.

I have also been quite upset that my landlord had gone into the storage unit and took all the wood panels I had been collecting for the last year. First and foremost he is supposed to contact me before entering. Secondly, he had already removed his tools and my wood was leaning against my stuff I had stacked when I first moved in. I am disheartened. He said he would return it and find me new stuff to replace the stuff he had already cut up. This was OVER a WEEK AGO! These I had saved as I found or were given to me for art. I respect my landlord as it is expected and me as a tenant deserves the same respect in return. To not answer calls or return messages. Really? Disrespectful. I feel quite violated. He will no longer have a key for my unit as he requested for in case of emergencies.

The upsetting doesn’t stop there either. I then am driving downtown to find that my BIRD, “WEATHERED” had been sat on and was bent in the hind legs and was leaning way too far forward as well as to the right some. I just don’t understand people and their disrespect for others.

Apparently, all things in life require strict instructions in LARGE PRINT. I guess people have to be treated like children and told everything in quite clear words. This is ridiculous. I would really like my wood to be brought back and I would also really like to see pictures surface of whoever sat on my bird so I could just explain why I was disheartened.

BLAH. Life, or something like it. Tomorrow will be a better day.