What is your journey?


I have been observing others lately and the conversations that I have with them as I analyze various things in life. Seeking and digging deep for some sort of inspiration or “ah-ha” moment that will inspire an entire body of work and I keep finding myself more confused about my original ideas and different things in life become more clear and the topic of discussions become more frequent. It is very difficult to explain.

I have come to notice after these conversations that we are all on this journey. This journey in life, to identify with who we are, or dig up the past and research history, or given certain unfortunate circumstances—try to understand or find our “new thing” or purpose in life or even where the wind will take us on our next adventure. I have noticed in others as I have noticed in myself that we all seek this meaning or soul purpose of ourselves in this huge world. Some of us believe we are of a past life and are on our journey to put the pieces back together or figure out how to get back to that point in time. So we spend our time researching and trying to dig up some concrete evidence to put a back bone to our recollection of these moments. But we seem to find very little or nothing and refuse to give up.

Others are presented with a life threatening illness that science and research has absolutely no answers too. Medical attention can only carry us so far and all the concrete dreams and plans we had for ourselves have now came to a halt because they are simply just not physically possible. So now we slowly adapt and change our life style in that which best suits our current situation and try to re-figure our purpose in life and believe there has got to be something we can do now in some way given our circumstances. We refuse to give up but yet will fight and remain living life to the fullest.

Then we have those who feel as if we have came to that point in our life and we get stuck there— wondering where we should go from here. What we should do next. Upset and lost for understanding on why we haven’t reached this point in our life yet. So we are at some what of a stand still. Just kind of waiting for what should come next.

And even more others have traveled much and experienced a lot and simply enjoy where we have been and are at currently and are waiting to see where the winds shall carry us next.

And then there those, that observe all of these conversations and as well realize they are along the same paths in life: it is all a journey. For each and every one of us; we are on a journey. We are constantly changing and evolving as people and we never end a journey. It just always continues. Even if we do not realize it: subconsciously we continue our journey.

I had a scare earlier this summer and so many thoughts ran through my mind. All I could think to myself was; “If this is something life threatening and I am this young—- I am going to set out on my journey and start crossing things off my bucket list. I am going to travel with my daughter and spend every waking moment with her living life to the fullest adventure possible.” Luckily, my body recovered the extreme exhaustion. However, we have always been on a journey. It doesn’t start when things go bad, or we reach a certain point in life, or waiting for the next thing. From the moment we are born until the moment we pass –we travel this journey in life. We can go either one of two ways. We can choose to live our journey to the fullest extent and enjoy every minute of it. We can take every bad experience and turn it into a positive or we can dwell on it. We can sit there and wonder–“what if” or feel sorry for ourselves.

Truth is; life is so short. Things happen and can be when we least expect it. Most often you will be blind sided. But we change. The only thing constant in life is change. We adapt to our surroundings. We make the most of our given situations and we learn to push forward.

Lately, life has presented me with a lot of conversations pertaining to our journey in life. I feel like it is supposed to give me this light bulb moment. But yet I grasp and grasp for motivation and inspiration. Inspiration is all around me. I just am having a tough time allowing it to escape. I am trying to make sense of it all— my journey. My next step in life. Where I shall go or what I shall do. I didn’t used to be one much for having a set plan. I have always seemed to enjoy those “just go with it” spontaneous moments. I still don’t want to have a set plan. But even the future is cloudy and unclear. So, today I accept that I must take this life one day at a time. It really isn’t hard to accept. But I sometimes get anxious when I am asked what I plan to do after I graduate. I am a mother and for my child I must have some idea of what will keep things together. But I do not. I am saying today; that I am not thinking past today. I am living in today. Each day will be a new adventure on my journey in life. Each day I will take it one day at a time. And I am alright with that. I am comfortable in saying this. When the time comes I will decide what I will do tomorrow. Life is too full of unexpected occurrences. I want to try new things and do something that scares me. I want to feel alive and enjoy every minute of it.

A journey in life as we are all on one should never be wasted. Live your life to the fullest.

I have also been pondering a lot …….about……. what mark will I leave when I am no longer here. I think of how I want to be remembered or what I want to be remembered for. What kind of impression will I leave on others. How do you want to be remembered when you are no longer here and what do you want to be remembered for?

Assignment for the day:
Tell some one important in your life; what impact or inspiration they have had in your life. I have been doing this over the past couple of years. I have spent time hunting people down and thanking them for how they had touched me and the positive effect they have had on me.

Things are changing rapidly in the world. We need to be more aware of the important things in life such as our loved ones. It’s time for me to make some changes. It’s time to simplify and get rid of the distractions of our technologically crazed lifestyles we have fallen into. I am so angered when I see a family at a table and none of them are talking to each other. They are all on their smart phones. He was so right. That artist from class when he called it the face down generation.

Goodnight.

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Life. Or something like it.


Tonight, I wander here and there. Pacing back and forth. Fighting the urge to light up a cigarette. Sickened to my stomach and feeling a tad lost in thoughts and feelings. These are the things I like to avoid; feelings. Yet I am so full of feelings and emotions. To explain to someone what you mean with out coming off as “pushy” but just to ask for a little more communication to feel as if they care just a little bit. Never would I have thought things would be this way. But I am full of those moments in life that blind side you on some afternoon. I try to tell myself it will only sting for a little bit and it will go away eventually. But how many moments in life can one have like that. To feel a sense of belonging to someone or somewhere.To feel that sense of caring or maybe even comforting of another.

When I encounter moments like this I have this flash of being pushed or stabbed as I try and bounce back all in slow motion. This feeling, the one that you just swallow and smile anyways. Because it feels easier that way. But really it just hurts more. I would be really concerned if I didn’t know how to feel as I am when I meet others or cross paths with others who have no sense of feelings in the world and can be just plain cruel and rude with no consideration for any one else.

I still stand by the unknown truths of love and what it really is. Does anyone really know? Other than the unconditional love for your family and those friends you would do anything for?

Things have been nothing less of a chaotic roller coaster and to try and survive that roller coaster with out tossing your cookies kind of seems to be getting a little more difficult. At least today feels this way and then tomorrow I will feel like the strongest person I know. Holding my head high, letting nothing discourage me, or taint my view of a happy little hippie life of laughter and love. I need not to be worrying about these small things. I need to worry about the upcoming academic school year and then where the wind will take my sails after I have finished.

I have learned my lesson this past year of what an obsession with being busy does to your body and your over all health and I can darn well guarantee that I do not want to experience anything like that again. I still have not fully recovered. However, as always I will be just fine.

If it weren’t for my lovely munchkin or my amazing family or my faith; I am not so sure where I would be. I may have already checked myself in for peace of mind. My family has given me undying support and love. They have encouraged me and shown me right from wrong. They along with my munchkin and my faith have given me strength to continue on and pursue large crazy goals and be determined enough to achieve them. I should not forget the few friends who have also done the same and I thank those who warned me and attempted to discourage me from those crazy goals I had for myself because it was a large part of what kept me determined. If I am told I cannot do something; I will do it just to prove I am capable.

I have lost my writing skills. Those words that seem like music or paint a picture right before your eyes. Those ones that reach deep into the back part of your brain and dig up all of those little thoughts you forgot you had until you stopped to admire your surroundings. I miss writing and have been slacking on this blog I started. There may be a few reasons for all of that. It could be the million thoughts that are running rampant in this mind of mine or it could be the feeling of bearing too much. It could also be the fact that I still haven’t remembered or learned how to slow down yet and I do not allow myself time for me enough. It seems that the more artistic I have allowed myself to become I have lost all words. I am not sure I am ok with this. There has to be a happy medium. Usually going back over old posts or writings helps sort through words and make sense of a lot of things that run through my mind. However, when I went back to review my blog posts on my myspace profile; they were gone. I was quite upset. Myspace deleted them.

I have also been quite upset that my landlord had gone into the storage unit and took all the wood panels I had been collecting for the last year. First and foremost he is supposed to contact me before entering. Secondly, he had already removed his tools and my wood was leaning against my stuff I had stacked when I first moved in. I am disheartened. He said he would return it and find me new stuff to replace the stuff he had already cut up. This was OVER a WEEK AGO! These I had saved as I found or were given to me for art. I respect my landlord as it is expected and me as a tenant deserves the same respect in return. To not answer calls or return messages. Really? Disrespectful. I feel quite violated. He will no longer have a key for my unit as he requested for in case of emergencies.

The upsetting doesn’t stop there either. I then am driving downtown to find that my BIRD, “WEATHERED” had been sat on and was bent in the hind legs and was leaning way too far forward as well as to the right some. I just don’t understand people and their disrespect for others.

Apparently, all things in life require strict instructions in LARGE PRINT. I guess people have to be treated like children and told everything in quite clear words. This is ridiculous. I would really like my wood to be brought back and I would also really like to see pictures surface of whoever sat on my bird so I could just explain why I was disheartened.

BLAH. Life, or something like it. Tomorrow will be a better day.