Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself:


Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.- Groucho Max

Wow, do you know how helpful that quote has been for me?! With the crazy academic year I just finished; it has saved my life and sanity most days! I had such big plans for the summer after all of the hard work I put in with school and the relaxing art adventure didn’t seem to pan out as I had planned for me so I have learned to accept it and just be prepared for next time. I guess things happen for a reason and they always have a funny way of working themselves out!

I have completed 47 credits this year–which has cut about a year of school off for me after this long last ten years of going back and forth and back and forth; trying to figure out what I would like to be when I grow up and then finally accepting who I am and what I am meant to be —- which has brought me great happiness and a lot of inner peace! However, there are a few things that I am still working on with myself as I constantly am evaluating actions and behavior patterns of mine and as well as constantly working on correcting the bad or not so great things that refer to those.

This summer I have a lot to do yet in preparation for my senior show and things may have changed a little from what I wanted to do given the galleries available and even things that have evolved inside me: something called emotions, or memories, or beliefs or feelings. Things of that sort. I have a vision and an idea but as a few conversations I have par-taken in have left me a tad—-hmm…. emotional… and may have me realizing I may not be ready to share somethings. Some may look at it as a grade but I look at it as something completely different. I look at it as this will be showing work that I have worked towards with my name on it and another thing is the experience. The wanting to share things that have kept me prisoner inside. First; I want this to be huge and I want it to evoke emotion in others. I want others to walk in and be hit with a profound and emotional experience in hopes to see a little deeper into the things I have experienced and as well as maybe understand me a little more. Kind of like stepping into my shoes and experiencing things I have. I always keep reminding myself if I catch myself being the slightest bit of becoming judgmental that it is not right to judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I don’t like to judge others and at times i may catch myself with preconceived conceptions and I don’t like to be that way. I as well want it to remain in the minds of others. And lastly, it is a therapy and a way of revisiting the past and confronting the harsh memories and pain in hopes of completely letting go any sort of negative thought or feeling towards those experiences and taking with the positive parts like life’s lessons.

I had a vision on what I wanted to make it like before but as I just stated some of it has changed. I know my short comings in life and I really get hurt when other’s gawk me and make fun of me for things I do unintentionally, with out thinking. There are reasons.

On a different note: I still plan to make it a very artful summer experience and to learn how to relax. Yes, I said learn. I have acquired a very bad obsessive compulsive issue with staying busy and have done nothing but add stress to myself. I have learned what this bad and very enormous amount of stress has done to my health. I finally finished some things and realized one day that I felt way lighter and was so energized and wanted to take on more and more. Then I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that I have to slow down. Or I will never break this terrible issue and will forever live under this stress until it puts me in the hospital. A little over a year ago I had so much pain and hurtful memories that I did as much as I could to be as busy as I could so I wouldn’t think about any of those painful or hurtful things. However, feeling pain and encountering these hurtful things allow us to grow as a person in life. Doing things to distract yourself are not necessarily the right things to do even if you are not trying to distract yourself illegally by use of drugs or alcohol. It is about just as equal a drug abuse problem. The stress is the drug addiction. It is no better to distract yourself in ways like that than it is to depend on drugs. That is my opinion. You do just as much harm to your body. In all reality the healthy thing would be to face that pain or hurtful memories and work yourself through those times no matter how hard it may be.

I have had conversations with others who have complained or spoke of pain and the pain another is causing them and how confused these people make them feel. My response is to remove yourself from the relationship. I of all people know this is not the easiest thing to do and in fact may be one of the hardest things to do. However, we are the only ones who have complete control over our lives. Only we can allow someone to do those harmful things. Life is so short. Don’t allow pain to consume it. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of in such ways. You do not need to be in a relationship to be happy in life. In fact, you must first learn how to be happy with yourself and how to love yourself for who you are before you can allow another in your life to share it with. You also must know what you want to do with your life or at least be comfortable in your choice of career and be able to enjoy life every day. You cannot change a person. You cannot be controlled by another. That is not a real true love experience. It is not a who is meant for you if you must change or want to change some one else. The sea is big. We allow our hearts to feel to fast sometimes because our brains trick us in to thinking it is what we need. It is not what we need. Yes it would be nice to find that special person to share life with. But make sure it is real. Escape the high school stuff. Just go on about living life and eventually that special someone will cross your path. I am no expert on love: obviously. But I do know what I deserve, want, and who I am. And I want to be loved and accepted and cherished for the real me. Not for something I am not.

Enough of that topic. I guess, I just hurt when others hurt. I hurt when I see them stuck as I have felt that painful, heart wrenching feeling so deep I felt like I was stabbed. But it is life and life is short. Go enjoy it! Create your bucket list and start crossing things off it! Experience life. Seems these days we are too consumed with ways of making money and yes money is important in supporting a family but you don’t need to kill yourself doing so. What good is that going to do when you die?! None. Nothing. I would rather enjoy my life in knowing I live it to the complete fullest and enjoyed every minute I had with loved ones and love what I do every day of my life than work for a living. If that came out right and makes sense.

I am an old soul. I have a hippie soul or a gypsy soul maybe. I just want to be happy and spend my days with my loved ones and be able to pay my bills. I don’t care if I have thousands saved up. Material things are nothing. Love, laughter and happiness are; and all those things lie in my loved ones and in doing what makes me happy.

I appreciate and love those who I have in my life! I appreciate all of the support that has been given and the undying love I have received from all of my family and friends. I thank you for shaking me when I had allowed myself to reach the point of negativity and hopelessness. I don’t like that level of living! Thank you for all of your positivity!

 

Peace and Love.

Shanna Mae

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bobbi
    Jun 01, 2011 @ 13:05:00

    Love your blog Shanna!

    Reply

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